She took the leap and built her wings on the way down.

So we just signed off on our home study to become licensed foster parents. 6 months, 27 hours of classroom "training", 5 home studies and 1 million forms later - there is now a less than 25 page document that is the attempting to highlight the journey of our lives, our beliefs, our character and a general summation of our lives, including what other people think about our ability to care for another family's child while they go through what is likely the worst stage of their life. And I couldn't feel more under-prepared or naive about what we are about to embark upon. Through the power of grace, somewhere between the fearful and incessant  blabber raging in my mind and my ever steady soul, there continues to be at peace in the intuitive sense that this is the path for our family. 

So, as a way of self-prescribed therapy and communication with those who find our journey to hold value, I will begin this blog. I have NO IDEA what the next few days and weeks hold for us. So I will start with what I do know - today. 

1.  In our county there are way more children in need of care then there are families willing to help. Fostering certainly feels like signing up for heartbreak on a lethal level. I mean this are kids we are talking about that have experienced trauma. But somehow, having never fostered a day in our life, we feel that there is a depth of compassion in our souls that we can access which will allow us to form a bridge to do whatever we have to do to KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER if there is any hope at all. Any. 

2.  I know that this is going to be a huge adjustment for our kids - K who is 3.5 and G who is 5. But we also believe they are closer to a state of purity and flexibility than we are. We feel very bonded to our kids and believe they have healthy bonds with us. We believe we can support them through this adjustment and know they will be of tremendous support to us, too. They will remain our number 1 priority but it won't come without some significant adjustments for us all.

3.  FYI - Confidentiality for foster kids is paramount. We cannot post their photo, use their names or tell the specifics regarding their history, especially as it relates to abuse/neglect and the reason(s) that landed them in this situation. Don't ask. Don't tell. And also don't assume. 

4.  We are doe-eyed parents with huge hearts, fiercely loyal souls and not a clue in the world what real trauma is like. We subscribe to a deeply spiritual belief system that requires us to take our intuition as the Supreme Being and allow it to guide, teach, communicate and lead us. 

5.  We are not doing this only to adopt. We are doing this to help families heal. We believe people deserve second chances. Breaking up a family is not our goal. Supporting families, grabbing hold of wounded children and loving them like crazy and showing respect to their bio-family is our goal. We know the odds are about 50:50 that it will work but we believe in the 50% either way. Do we want to adopt at some point, you bet!

So for now, we wait. We wait for the call and are feeling good that we are going to be able to start helping. Whatever that looks like. 

Every Day Resolution

I have never written a "thing" in my life.

But, at 38 years old I figured it was high time I start paying more attention to the callings on my heart and paying less attention to the fear of what others may say or think. So here I am...let's see if what I have to say resonates. 

Like most people, the New Year is filled with a renewed sense of opportunity. I am a total sucker for this feeling.  I actually believe that this time of year generates this energetic vibration so strongly because so many people are focusing on so many positive things. Without even knowing it, they shift the energy of the world. They a part of a collective that is contagious. I suppose we do this specifically at the turn of the year because it is a point in time that we can mark a new intention; it feels almost tangible. But what if we felt that way every day. What if everyday we focused on how we wanted to grow in a positive direction? What if we collectively maintained that level of positive intention that is so palpable during the first few days of the year? Why not? There is only NOW anyway.  So, what do you want to manifest today? For me...today...I want to manifest a calm sense of self. I want to honor my unique, sometimes messy, big-hearted loving self  and only give credence to things that support having and feeling more LOVE!

I spend (I wish I could say spent - but I am working on it) an incredible amount of my time considering, often with worry and fear, what other people think of me. What is even more coo coo about that is I didn't even realize it was happening. I mean sometimes I did, especially when someone said something hurtful about me. But really - it was driving my whole damn life and I was blind to it. On the outside, I was successful in many areas of Life. Sometimes I could even pretend that things didn't bother me that really tore me up. But I would only do that to look like I had a thicker skin, a greater sense of confidence or something - so people would not think I was fragile or weak - that I had it all together. GAG! But I am reclaiming that real estate in my head and as one of my great spiritual teaches would  say..."Don't believe everything you think!"

Wow! What a break through to a greater sense of my own purpose and life's calling is possible with this little nugget of awareness. I can actually feel it. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a chair getting ready to jump up....or like I am on Family Feud with my hand ready to smack that buzzer ( a little age-identifying reference, no doubt). There is no lack or finite access to pure peace within...I stake claim to my potential and I think it is incredibly powerful. In order to fully access it, I have some work to do.

I am peeling back some layers and reviewing the tapes (you know... the soundtrack in your mind that claims you as it's prisoner) and what I am allowing to come forward is pretty darn shocking. Part of this "exercise" is to examine what I think is true about me, about the world, about my purpose -- about everything I have come to believe is "ME". And right now...everything is up for grabs. Nothing is safe. I am questioning all of it. Not out of fear...but out of pure curiosity. I deserve to examine every inch of my life because I have to know if I did it for me or for "them". Some stuff is pretty sure to be on target and I am probably going to find that some of those tapes are valid, productive and true. Like, I love my kids and am a pretty great mom.  But I suspect that I am going to find some areas of my life that are off track because I allowed other people's opinions (or what I thought would be other's opinions of me) lead the way. That is the stuff I am going to have to do some work on. 

And here is another little bit of truth I have come to learn and believe fully - I am not my MIND. I am my SPIRIT. My mind is there to try and protect me by avoiding the unknown, the possibly painful, the risks - and I have to admit...my mind is excellent at its job! But my spirit is stronger and my purpose is deeper than allowing my mind another day at the wheel. I will take up the course to retrain my scared mind to follow my kind spirit. I can be downright mean inside this head and that has created some pain, some perceived barriers and a lot of fear. So my New Day Resolution is to become a magnet for MY truth and disregard the rest of the junk. 

My prayer/intention for today: May I reside within my peaceful and loving spirit space and realize I am not my mind's thoughts or the thoughts that others may hold about me. If it doesn't serve to grow my ability to see love in all that is - I don't allow it to take up another moment of my time or beliefs.

It sure is roomy in here...

(Note: This was written January 1, 2014 but not published until July 2, 2014)